Closest that I have come to real celebrities

1. 7/5/1996. Arnold Schwartzenager when he was filming Junior at UC Berkeley. Fifty feet away but I could see his head sticking up from the crowd of actors. I think Danny De Vito was also in there somewhere, but I could not spot him.
2. 11/6/2008. David Schwimmer when he attended at members reception at the Cherry Lane Theater New York. I crashed the reception. I was in the stage, he was in the entrance of the theater. With the lights on I could only see his outline, but he was just twenty feet away. It pretty much looked like him, the big hair and all.
3. 5/4/2008. President Bushes motorcade arriving at the White House. I was fourty feet away, but I think he was in the middle black limo. I have it on video that I recorded with my pocket camera.
4. 11/8/2008. Ben Stiller, err... well I think it was him filming in Central Park, but when I enlarged the picture it turns out it was not him, and they were just some German tourists.
5. 3/5/2007. Russell Crowe filming a movie near the white house, but when I asked around, it was just a gripper that looks like Russell from far away. Then the security guy asked me to leave.
6. 6/1/2010 Colin Quinn of SNL lives in my building. I see him at the gym sometimes. We haven't spoken yet, but next time I'm gonna ask him to do his DeNiro impression.
7. Danica McKellar of the wonder years tv show has written some math books for teenagers. I got her to autograph my copy and handed her a BrainiacDating card

Famous last words

1. I thought that you said it was on autopilot?
2. Hmm, the sidewalks look kinda crowed here, and this doesn't look much like Brooklyn.
3. Wow, those linemen look a lot bigger from up close.
4. I think the red wire is always ground, right?
5. Oh its nothing, I think that cute doggie just got into the mayo.
6. You have skied the double black diamonds before, right?
7. Can you lean back a little more so that your shoes come in to the picture.
8. Did you say the red ones or brown ones were poisonous?
9. Are you sure that this will float?
10. Hey copper, that donut will make you fat.
11. sure its safe to sit this close to the goalie even though they removed the safety netting, the puck never comes this way.
12. It's just a toy gun.
13. Coursh I know how to use fireworks.
14. This kinda pork steak stays fresh for days without refrigeration.
15. Fancy another scotch before we head out onto the racetrack Bob?
16. Don't worry, he's always a little wobbly at first when he gets on the tightrope.
17. No matter what you do, don't give the bear the bottle of honey.
18. Hey Mr Vice President, how about doing a little duck hunting at my ranch this weekend?
19. Don't worry the tigers can never get out of their enclosure.
20. Look out for the tree. What ...
21. Its not really that slippery out on the deck.

Banned books

1. High rank betting success strategies for NBA referees.
2. IRS guide to successful tax evasion and offshore accounts.
3. The mayor's guide to sidewalk begging and off track betting.
4. How to best grab a good feel in a crowded subway car without getting caught.
5. Starbucks internal manual for world domination.
6. GM guide to building better cars.
7. How to cheat on your spouse and get away with it, by Bill Clinton.
8. NRA best urban weapons guide.
9. Scientific proof that smoking causes cancer.
10. The real ingredients in the big mac's secret sauce.
11. Texaco's invention of a perpetual motion engine.
12. Pfizer guide to better sex without drugs.

Nine ways to make visits to the zoo more interesting

1. Let the lions out five minutes before closing... to help speed up the process.
2. Put the Kennedy family into a cage (electrified fence off course).
3. Let children and teens cuddle the cute pandas.
4. Open a Vegas style animal themed casino and strip mall next to the restaurant.
5. Give away free beer, just like they do at baseball games.
6. Lower the price of a hot dog to five dollars.
7. Erect a giant Steve Irwin statue in the middle of the shark tank.
8. New contest: find the missing wild animal.
9. You like him, you got him - the take it home with you zoo.

Good things about living out of a suitcase.

1. Ready to go to astronaut school as soon as NASA calls.
2. No one believes the ex-wife's story that I kicked *her* out of the house.
3. Passers-by generously offer me quarters for the subway.
4. Having a change of clothes nearby is always handy in case of major ketchup or taco spills.
5. Always ready to drop in at the Holiday Inn and use my frequent visitor card which gives three free pankakes with full breakfast order.
6. Can keep extra set of underwear nearby, without having to answer a hundred questions.
7. No worries about having to pay any more out of state speeding fines.
8. All I need is a luggage cart to move accross town - which saves money on renting uhauls.
9. Suitcase serves as a comfy back rest for spending hours just sitting at the side of the road.
10. Can take advantage of little known loophole in tax laws to avoid paying any capital gains taxes.

Strange things about France

1. Riots once broke out at a Paris McDonalds when the baguette mac was a little too crusty.
2. Why half the letters are silent: "s" is sometimes silent, but often "h" is.
3. Where can you get a full breakfast instead of just a coffee and a croissant?
4. Why French people are not very good at giving directions to foreigners?
5. The bidet is not supposed to be used for brushing your teeth.
6. Notice how the Eiffel tower looks so much like the one at the Paris Casino in Vegas, except not as nice.
7. What do they mean when they say let the cheese breathe a while?
8. Didn't they used to be our best friends?
9. Most public swimming pools only have one change room.

Changes to be made if a black man were elected president

1. Secret service will have to change the presidential codeword from "dumb white guy" to "cool black dude".
2. America's image abroad improved a million fold.
3. White house fountain concreted over for new basketball court.
4. Famous rap stars and Bill Cosby allowed stay overnight in the Lincoln bedroom.
5. Chris Rock named first funny man, narrowly edging out Jimmy Walker.
6. Al Sharpton to become first barber, narrowly edging out Chris Rock.
7. Oprah allowed to park her Hummer on the front lawn if the garage is full.
8. Hillary will finally have to remove her boxes from the basement storage lockers.

Patrick Swayze and ugly guy: SNL sketch

This is a 2008 updation of original SNL dirty dancing skit played by Swayze and Chris Farley, and shows Patrick in his life as a beautiful man, whilst his buddy - the ugly guy, has a completely opposite experience. Patrick gets all the attention of the lovely ladies and more, while the ugly guy gets dirt in his face. The irony of it is that Patrick has recently been ill and fighting for his life, so little cracks can been seen to be emerging in the picture of perfection.

As we all know, Patrick Swayze recently came out of a California research hospital after successful cancer treatment, and has even resumed his acting profession. But we can see his real life as far from perfect, and actually how lucky he is just to be alive. Before the cancer his was a life a perfection with women swooning at his feet, and was considered by women to be one of the most sexy men on the screen.

In this sketch Patrick plays himself today, true to life - a middle-aged man weakened by his serious illness, unflat stomach, and far from pumped and ripped than his usual on screen image.
There is also a generic ugly guy ( insert the author here, or but since he can't act to save his life, insert Adam Sander or David Spade for example), and lots of hot women - there to chase after Patrick. The women don't need much acting skills, just look hot and have an ablity to flirt.

There are three significant woman parts in the sketch: a cab driver, a cop and a pilot. Note the travel theme as this plays out over several locations which make up an important journey. Patrick and the ugly guy are both dressed nerdly, shirts, hanging out, covering stomaches, not looking cool, yet the humor comes from the fact that everything is different for Patrick since he is... well you know... a hot man.

The sketch covers a collection of various locations, with Patrick and the ugly guy together doing exactly the same things, yet their experiences are totally opposite - only because
Patrick is beautiful, and well, um... the ugly guy is not. Nuff said, you get the point.

This is like a sketch in which Eddie Murphy played a white guy, and how everything was so different from his actual life. As a white man, he gets onto a bus, and the driver says its free, then the passengers party when the last black guy gets off the bus. Next he walks into a bank, intending to take out a small loan, but instead the manager hands him a suitcase full of cash... here take it, no need for paperwork. Then he walks over to a newspaper stand, and the man hands him a free newspaper. We white people, know that these things aren't true, but it shows how the world can look different for just the tiniest superficial change.

Here we play off the good vs ugly looking. The author here is not good looking, so can only imagine what happens differently to good looking people: "Not even eye contact" is the old saying. Maybe its an exaggeration, like the story I will play below.

Side note: Can some good looking people let me know how close this is to reality.

The sketch starts with Patrick and, ... well lets just call him ugly, going on vacation together to Hawaii. They are best buddies having living together, sharing friends, a kitchen, and having very similar lifestyles. Yet, their outcomes are very different. Ok, enough buildup. Let's get to the story.


They first have to call a cab to their apartment. Then they go into the cab, and it just happens that the driver is a hot looking woman, and she invites Patrick to ride up in the front with her, and then quickly pulls off leaving ugly guy at the curb. Ugly guy is seen hollering from the back window, and running behind the cab... as if this is not the first time this has happened to him.

Then in front seat, the driver is all over Patrick, licking his face, his ears, saying she has never seen so one so hot. All the while he is trying to examine his travel documents ( fumbling with his papers, maybe forgot his passport?). But he is just trying to make sure he has everything, and paying no attention to the babe. The cab almost has an accident as the driver has lost all focus on the road, as instead it is on Patrick. Patrick is very seriously examining his papers,and taking no notice of this. Then the cab does eventually slam into another car, and ugly guy who has been running from behind, is now able to jump into the back seat. Looking back three other hot women are seen in the background also chasing the cab, and fighting each other trying to also get into the cab with Patrick.

We see flashing lights come in through the background. It's a police cruiser. Then a cop steps out, and comes over to the cab, and gosh, it is another hot woman ... go figure. She sees Patrick, and immediately pulls out the driver, handcuffs her and hauls her off to the back of the cruiser, so she can have a go at Patrick herself. Then instead of asking any questions about the accident, she starts licking him, as. In the meanwhile Patrick is talking to ugly guy, asking him where he was, and how they are going to make it to the airport.
Then the cop motions Patrick over to her police car, offering to take him to the airport with a flashing light escort. Two chicks on motorcyles, also pull up aside the car, to give it an escort.

She drives him to the airport, but again she is all over Patrick and without paying attention to the orad, smashes the cruiser into a barrier at the side of the road. So Patrick and ugly decide to just thumb a ride for the rest of the way, and thumb a ride. Luckily, this time a guy in a pickup truck pulls over, and they feel relief. They should safely get to the airport this way. No more nasty women.

But no luck, as the driver (a man) starts telling him how much he wants to dirty dance with him. Across the back of the truck he has a big collection of pictures of Patrick - this is even worse than with the women before!! So Patrick, says no, no, no, and just tells him to stop the car, and they will walk the rest of the way.

They are close to the airport now, so they are able to get into the terminal building without incident. Now again, the troubles start. Woman start coming up to Patrick, and kissing him, pulling at his nerdly clothes. Nothing going on for ugly guy. He can just watch, but he tries to pry one of the woman off Patrick, but then she slugs him, and he drops to the ground. Photographers are taking pictures, and especially the lovely air hostesses are inviting him into the executive lounge where they start dancing, and it turns into a nightclub, with lights and music, and they start dancing around Patrick. Ugly guy is left holding all the bags, nose bandaged up, black eyed, and waiting in line to check in behind fifty people.

Finally, they are checking in and walking onto their plane and gets seated. As the pilot sees Patrick with the cabin camera she must have him. Again a lovely babe ( even better than before), and she asks Patrick to come and see the cabin. Come sit in my seat ... you can fly the plane while I look at you - she says. She then takes of her captains hat, swishes her long bondle hair back, and puts the hat on Patrick, then begins to unbotton her blouse. Someone is getting hot, but it's not him. As Patrick sits in the pilots seat and grabs the control, the pilot brings him a drink to try and get him in the mood, and then starts kissing him.

You fly the plane, go on, its good. Patrick says that he doesn't know how to fly these planes, but she says no worries. Patrick focuses on the task at hand, paying little attention to the strong signals being sent by the woman. In the mean time the plane is wobbling side to side - the passesngers are panicing, but the pilot pays no attention. Ugly guy is trying to get into the cockpit, but the woman then slams the door on him, and locks it from the inside. The plane is now spiraling out of control, and Patrick is trying to straighten it, but unfortunatly in this sketch at least, he doesn't know how to fly aplane. Then she starts licking Patrick in the ears and mouth and sits on his lap as he is seriously trying to fly, but then as she is all over him, and so he cannot see in front of him, and has no idea where the plane is going, it crashes.

Sad Ending, but that's what happens when you're the world's most beautiful man. Life isn't as easy as it seems.


























June 14 2008

Surprising things about Italians.

1. Due to excessive wine drinking, many have hearing problems, and so they need to speak very loudly.
2. Again, due to the wine, their eyes are quite sensitive, and so they often need to wear sunglasses indoors.
3. Modern and contemporary art is generally anything completed in the eighteenth century.
4. Words in the language can often be compressed to just the first and last letter. Long words need a middle letter, e.g. BonJournO is BJO. In addition to the letters, hand signals are often used to convey meaning.
5. Staple diet: gelato, pizza and vino.
6. Italians don't hate George Bush as much as the rest of the world does.

Fun things about Chicago

1. Frank's pizzeria is now serving real ham on all pizzas.
2. National guard gets combat practice on local streets two Friday's a month.
3. Trump loves this city too.
4. The strong winds keep the streets smelling fresh.
5. When it gets really cold in winter the muggers prefer to stay home.
6. City isn't filled with Frenchmen.

Misconceptions of a four year old

1. There is nothing greater in the world than bubbles and ice cream, especially if combined.
2. Babies come from the grocery store, along with money and food.
3. Dogs can learn talk if they go to college. Cats talk but our ears can't hear them.
4. The president is a lot smarter than they are.
5. Rain is made when god pees.
6. Candy is good for you.
7. Nobel Physics Prize winner in 2008 - inventor of the inflatable balloon.
8. Treadmills and elliptical trainers are fun toys.

New rules for Central Park

1. All fat joggers required to wear shirts.
2. No stalking the celebrities, especially Mr. Allen and his young Asian assistant.
3. All automatic weapons need to be checked in at the main gate.
4. No feeding the lost tourists.
5. No snowmobiles allowed without permits.
6. Trams stop if you do a middle finger gesture.
7. Don't run alongside the horse drawn carriages and tease the horses - the drivers bite.
8. If you see Trump, make sure to bow or curtsy.
9. Don't forget to tip the muggers.
10. Sunday from 5-7AM's the mayor will be doing his opera rehearsal, so don't disturb him.

Bogus Green Ideas

1. Ford launches new line of coal powered scooters.
2. EPA publishes a 565 page book on deforestation, make required textbook for high school seniors.
3. Reduce amount of toilet flushes by peeing in the sink instead.
4. Replace newsprint with stone tablets.
5. Instead of gasoline, cars now run on Gatorade.
6. Start massive fire to burn all magazines that contain pictures of Dodge trucks.
7. Abolish toilet paper, instead clean ass with soap and water.
8. Re-introduce luxury pedal powered cars, as in the Flintstones.
9. Replace all flooring, wallpaper, windows and curtains in my house with solar panels.
10. Change maximum speed limit on highways to 12 mph, except for bicycles.
11. Open up chain of windmill themed hamburger joints.
12. Paint all road surfaces green, except in Arizona where they would be painted yellow.

My Dream Tickets

1. Cheney and Quayle: the VP ticket.
2. The Manning Quarterback brothers, but not the stockbroker brother.
3. Tiger Woods and LeBron, all sports pro tour.
4. Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, tabloid bunnies.
5. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton - the reverend ticket.
6. Superman and Wonderwoman - the dynamic duo.
7. DeNiro, Brando, and Paccino - the godfathers.
8. Mike Huccabee and Dennis Kuccinich - the alliteration.
9. Mayor Bloomberg and Mayor Juliani - da mayors.
10. Ralph Nader and Michael Moore - fix everything that is broke.

Other things you didn't know about Elliot Spitzer

1. Does not always put the toilet seat down after use.
2. Secretly dating senator Clinton, with hopes of winning his way into the white house.
3. Once threw recyclable plastic water bottle into regular trash.
4. Actually now running the Gotti crime family business.
5. Has already sold movie rights to his life story, with Al Paccino playing lead role.
6. Was voted biggest party head three years in a row at the playboy mansion.
7. Now we know why Batman is coming after him.
8. Probably a republican spy, because no democrat could ever be this evil.
9. Has sent a message to his home planet for them to come fetch him.
10. Never paid any taxes, sold weapon secrets to North Korea and once kissed a man.
11. Campaigned to have Christopher Walken play him in the made for TV movie.

physics humor

1. Oops, we forgot to let the grad student out of the lab again.
2. Darn, I put the denominator at the top again. Actual Einstein story.
3. Chuckle whenever the professor says Fraunhoffer or Brehmstrahlung.
4. My ex-girlfriend has a contour integral that was singular.
5. Tired of naming newly discovered particles with names like alpha and quark, so now resorting to popular numbers, like "4".
6. If you're lucky you can turn the Laplace Transform into a Green's function.
7. Joey, you forgot an extra minus sign, so the earth will not actually disintegrate in 100 seconds.
8. Last night I dated a woman who really knew her vector integration

Bad Vice Presidential Choices for McCain

1. Dan Qualye - still gaining acceptance, but the best life insurance policy money can buy.
2. Admiral Stockdale - didn't help Perot, especially when he dozed off in the debate.
3. Lloyd Bensten - definitely no Jack Kennedy, but probably died twenty years ago.
4. Dick Cheney - been there, done that.
5. Nick Nolte - he may be OK, as long as the secret service doesn't let him get behind the wheel.
6. Jessica Simpson - would be too distracting during presidential crises.
7. Donald Trump - is there a precedent for firing a president?
8. Gary Coleman - cuddly star of the hit seventies TV show Different Strokes, now incarcerated.
9. Roger Clemens - he'd do a good job of stocking up the white house pharmacy.

Novel experiments carried out on the space station

1. Seeing how well ants can sort screws in space (The Simpsons).
2. How long can goldfish survive out of water.
3. How well do plants grow on gatorade, or is coke better?
4. Does smoking in space cause cancer, sponsored by R.J. Reynolds.
5. Designing a splash and leak free urinal for zero G.
6. Is it easier to train dogs to learn to talk in space.
7. Building a better adult diaper based on extended spacesuit trials.
8. Are astronauts better poker players while floating upside down?
9. Stress testing a two hundred dollar government hammer.
10. Can crows fly backwards as well as upside down in space.
11. Are penguins any smarter in space, as tested by screw sorting time trials vs ants.

Proof that you are a tech nerd

1. Chuckle anytime someone says the word "slideware".
2. Can name all members of the intel family of processors going back to 1978.
3. Actually understand what it means and laughed at #2.
4. Enjoy spending saturday nights defragging a hard drive.
5. Understand what #4 means and know a better way to do it.
6. Think of Facebook as a collection of code rather than a way to connect with friends.
7. Set new office record at windows pinball game last week.
8. Know what all the flashing lights on the modem actually mean.
9. Can explain the difference between cotangents and cosecants.

Poorly attended classes at NYU last semester

1. Humorous moments of the Bush Dynasty.
2. Heating/Cooling design of NYC subway stations.
3. Rabbi Schwartzman's kosher cooking for the Christmas holidays.
4. City Wildlife 101: pidgeon and subway rat classifications.
5. Mayor Bloomberg presents the history of Spanish Opera.
6. Cab driving 201: how to avoid potholes and pedestrians at rush hour.
7. Fly Fishing in the East River.
8. Chemistry lab 301a: collecting and analyzing smell samples from the subway.
9. Early morning lap swimming in the East River. Prerequisite for #7.
10. Doormanning 120b: the art of the bow.

Bogus scientific experiments carried out by NASA

Not including experiments for the Space Shuttle which is a separate list.

1. Looking for Martians under the bridges in central park.
2. 24 hour monitoring of KXLA 103.5 for signals from alien civilizations.
3. See if gerbils can be trained to fly the space shuttle in case of emergencies.
4. Seeing if tomatoes can grow in total darkness and zero gravity.
5. The self-flushing no-spill sitting toilet in zero g's. Advanced research on wall mounted urinals also under way.
6. Can american cheese be made from a powder.
7. Electric powered environmentally friendly rocket ships, just plug in to charge.
8. see if robots can be made to fall in love. Ooops, that was original Star Trek episode's 17, 21 and 53.
9. Mission to the moon to figure out what kind of cheese it is made of? American perhaps?
10. Building a big gaint dish with hopes to collect hit Martian tv shows to help beef up the ABC monday night lineup.

Ways to make pro ice hockey more exciting

1. Has to be at least one girl player on the ice at all times.
2. instead of skates, refs have to wear sneakers. Should get lots of laughs as they slip and fall.
3. New rules on goaltender equipment: only allowed to use a ski mask, ski gloves and a thick wooden spoon.
4. Give free beer to all the fans, just like they do at baseball games.
5. Repace zamboni machine with golf cart that pulls along a large wet towel.
6. Use puck that explodes as speeds of over 100 miles per hour.
7. Players get extra points for dunking the puck over the top of the net after scoring.
8. Bring back Paul Newman in a TV series based on the funny hockey movie he made.
9. Allow a few former league superstars to place friendly wagers on the games.
10. Hire Roger Clemens to be strength coach for the New York Rangers.
11. Have half naked pre-football cheerleaders perform at center ice during intermission.
12. Zamboni monster truck racing!

Ways to make baseball more exciting

1. Give out free steroid kit for every thousandth fan on opening day.
2. Implement point system for beaning players and umpires.
3. Replace baseball with soccer ball to make the game more intersting for the British.
4. Elect Roger Clemens to be commissioner of baseball.
5. Allow first base coach to serve martinis when bases are empty.
6. All teams required to have at least one Canadian player on the field at all times. Ooops, sorry that is the rule in the Canadian AAA league.
7. Replace carbon fibre bats with glass.
8. Switch 1st and 3rd base and hide 2nd base somewhere in the outfield.
9. Have Paris Hilton throw out the first pitch, and let Jessica Simpson play catcher.
10. Move the Yankees to LA, send the Beckham's to NY.

Environmentally Friendly Weapon Systems Under Development

1. Biodegradeable sewage bombs.
2. Light infantry pit bull division.
3. Goat powered de-forrester.
4. Self-cleaning microwave laser.
5. Recycled aluminum can tanks.
6. Nucular-hybrid engine powered aircraft cariers.
7. Solar powered smart bombs.
8. Mango mortor rockets.
9. Helium powered stealth bomber.
10. Killer bee squadron.
11. Atomic neutralizer ray - as seen on the Jetsons TV show.
12. Shatner - the negotiator, also including Picard.

Rejected names of new medications

1. Zumixray AMPM

2. Homybigpay

3. Ruokay

4. Ruhornie

5. Fluzyprima

6. Caviix

7. Gayax

8. Viargax

9. Zylavic - oh sorry that is the name of my Serbian cousin

10. Zuckit

Violations of the locker room code *

1) Blow drying any parts of the body not directly attached to the head. ( Some people insist on blow drying their private areas - me, I walk around a little damp.
Violators are also seen shaving in front of the mirror but not a single hair on their faces. Maybe they wish there were. Maybe this explains the excessive blow drying? )
2) Excessive flatulating in the steam room is not permitted.
3) Pissing in the shower. ( Find a tree outside for goodness sakes. )
4) Singing in the showers ( even if you can belt em out like Elton John ).
5) Dripping puddles of water on the carpet. ( Didn't your mother show you how to use a towel properly. I assume that's shower water. )
6) Nose clearing jet spraying. ( At least use a tissue! )
7) Throat clearing, gargling, or spitting. ( See point #6 )
8) Stretching in the jacuzzi. ( Oval shaped people sitting in the Jacuzzi, and never being seen inside the gym area. )
9) Leaving "wet" towels on the benches in the sauna or changing area.
10) Bobbing to headphone music in the sauna. ( Not good for the ipod. )
11) Talking on a cell phone while in a toilet stall or peeing at the urinal.

* sorry, this list is no laughing matter, but I didn't know where else to post it.

Good things if Ralph Nader were President

1. Mrs Nader to replace white house china with random assortment from the Salvation Army.
2. Air Force one replaced with hybrid Madden cruiser.
3. Secret service agents can go into early retirement, as Chuck Norris will assume role as sole bodyguard.
4. Increasing budget surplus from foreign heads of state having to pay for their own happy meals when they visit.
6. America no longer feared and revered in the rest of the world. Oh wait, that would be any different than now?
7. When president Nader travels abroad he collects all the little soaps to use back home in the executive washroom.
8. Michael Moore becomes best the vice president in US history, and has a giant hot dog statue erected next to the Jefferson memorial.
9. Congress and Senate sent home and told to "find a real job"!
10. All corporate lobbyists sent to jail, all prisoners set free.
11. Pentagon's invasion plans for Norway put on hold until the next non-Nader administration.
12. Pentagon turned in a giant themed park of some sort, roller derby perhaps?
13. Canadians agree to trade Manitoba for a years supply of American cheese.
14. Annual First family vs Kennedy thanksgiving family touch football scrimmage no longer end in brawls.
15. Dennis Kucccinich finally lands dream job of US ambassador to Mars.

Unusual things about Washington, DC

1. Popular meeting area called "Foggy Bottom", yet no one knows why.
2. Donnie Rumsfeld once called in the secret service to nuke Maryland
3. Street grid designed for maximum confusion in case the Japanese invaded.
4. President actually never visited any of the Mall museums, but loves to go on the Carousel.
5. Cheney known for ordering two footlongs at Pennsylvania avenue subway
6. The Pentagon McDonald's now also serving freedom frites.
7. Once when Trump came to visit he was allowed to use the executive washroom.
8. Smithsonian's rare Moroccan cigar wrapper collection on display extended until May.
9. Annual Kennedy family football scrimmage on the mall required three calls the the emergency room for broken limbs.
10. Wolf Blitzer is actually a real person, and he lives upstairs in my house.

Cool things associated with Steroids

1. Can finally beat aunty midge at arm wrestling.
2. No need for drinking down those aweful tasting protein shakes five times a day.
3. If Hummer gets a flat, you can lift it up which aunty midge changes the tire.
4. Governor no longer calling you "girlie man" when he phones.
5. Previous home run distance record of one mile just a distant memory.
6. No need to worry about using birth control because equipment is retired.
7. Now in fits of rage I can rip apart my laptop one bit at a time.
8. Rite aid now offers chocolate easter egg and steroid bunny bucket.

Proposed corporate motivational outings

1. Afternoon at uncle Jack's Firegun Range.
2. Raging Rapids Water Slide Park, batting cages, and road kill grill.
3. Front row Wrestlemania tickets!
4. Two for one drink specials at the pole dancer bar.
5. Cruising for chicks in East Oakland.
6. Gourmet dinner at the Mall food court.
7. Bowling.
8. Full contact paintball.
9. Pie tossing contest and egging the upper management fun foodfight.
10. Blindfolded bocci ball
11. Skydiving and bungee, assuming legal department aproves
12. Ok, we picked bowling, couldn't find anything better, and wouldn't need the legal departments approval.

Advantages of a bear proof suit

1. Comes with a whole year's supply of honey from Walmart.
2. Get free seasons tickets to all college teams having a bear mascot.
3. In addition to protection from bears, also safe from marauding squirrels attacks.
4. Can also pour you a martini if you deposit 25c.
5. Only three fatalities are reported from persons who were attacked by bears while wearing such a suit last month.
6. Acceptable prom attire - Jefferson High School, East Orange, N.J.
7. Is also fireproof, except for the inner lining - which is highly flammable.

Changes if Microsoft ran the world

1. Starbucks forced to return to their home planet, as not room enough for two alien corporations.
2. Only nerds qualified to run for president.
3. Normal kindergarten curriculum replaced with programming in C.
4. Windows necessary for running your electric toothbrush.
5. "Your life" needs to be rebooted every two hours.
6. Microsoft defeats Google for the twelfth straight year in the world ultimate frisbee championship.
7. Big framed glasses and pocket protectors top fashion trend in Milan.
8. Bill Gates gets key to the executive washroom in the NBC studio.
9. Most frequent reason for car accidents - software crash.
10. They already do.

Differences between Canadians and Americans

1. Shatner - most famous Canadian to move to the US. Michael Jackson still denied entry to Canada.
2. Canada has a queen, US has prince.
3. Canadian army once beaten up by the Norwegian Olympic Scrabble team. US just nuked Sweden.
4. Last time Canada threatened to invade another country - never. US, bombed up three countries last week.
5. Canadians willing to wait in long lines for good Texas beef jerky. American's love Saskatchwan maple flavored bacon.
6. Canadians top exports: water, lumber and funnymen, American: quality television and grenades.
7. 60% of Canadians can identify the United states on a world map. 70% of American's get lost on their way to Denny's
8. Canadian navy once got lost while training in the Toronto harbour. US army reserves invaded Nova Scotia for training exercise.
9. America's best invention: perfectly fake cheese, Canada's - a curved hockey stick.
10. US worst enemies: maniacal despots. Canada's - wild roaming cariboo herds.
11. Best looking Canadian - Pamela Anderson. Now dating average looking American David Hyde Pierce.
12. Canada's national animal - the beaver, Americas - cuddly Gary Coleman, star of the 80's TV show different strokes.

How Bush is preparing for the french presidents visit

1. Taking all white house cheese out of the fridge to let if breathe for a while.
2. Being coached on French langauge, and especially that half the letters are silent
3. First lady Laura baking cakes for the President's wife and his newest girlfriend.
4. Cheney pointing out where the petite little country is on a map of Europe.
5. Connie reminding him not to refer to him as El Presidente.
6. limiting his time on the white house playground to ten minutes.
7. listening to his dad's advice about about not invading France.
8. Installing fresh towels in the white house shower, just in case they are needed.
9. Remembering that the French saved our asses in a little war we had back then when Washington was president.
10. Practicing with the bidet shower.
11. Having tea with Gerard Depardui and other top French-American movie stars.

Rejected Car Names

1) Dodge Hippo
2) Jaguar Cougar
3) Lincoln Log
4) Lamborghini Slug
5) Volkswagen Lady Bug
6) Toyota Pi Squared
7) Nissan 32000-7n.d87
8) Cadillac Shanty
9) Oldsmobile Oldtimer
10) Renault Roughrider
11) Cadillac Catatonic
12) Ford Fajita
13) Ford Fiasco
14) Toyota Teriyaki

Signs that maybe you have joined a bad gym

1) Members bring in their workout gear in wheeled luggage carts.
2) Heavily sweating member seen struggling to remove the lid of gatorade bottle.
3) Some members need assistance to be squished through the workout room door.
4) All the treadmills are empty - all the time.
5) Personal trainers kill time by watching the club TV.
6) Personal trainers could use a little training themselves.
7) Showers and urinals - one in the same.
8) You get a lot of smiles when you towel off in the shower room.
9) Security cameras installed in the locker room.
10) The speed punching bag gave you two black eyes last week.

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If you're like me you get bored of something in about five seconds, so here we have short jokes that will getting you laughing in less than five seconds.