New rules for Central Park

1. All fat joggers required to wear shirts.
2. No stalking the celebrities, especially Mr. Allen and his young Asian assistant.
3. All automatic weapons need to be checked in at the main gate.
4. No feeding the lost tourists.
5. No snowmobiles allowed without permits.
6. Trams stop if you do a middle finger gesture.
7. Don't run alongside the horse drawn carriages and tease the horses - the drivers bite.
8. If you see Trump, make sure to bow or curtsy.
9. Don't forget to tip the muggers.
10. Sunday from 5-7AM's the mayor will be doing his opera rehearsal, so don't disturb him.

Bogus Green Ideas

1. Ford launches new line of coal powered scooters.
2. EPA publishes a 565 page book on deforestation, make required textbook for high school seniors.
3. Reduce amount of toilet flushes by peeing in the sink instead.
4. Replace newsprint with stone tablets.
5. Instead of gasoline, cars now run on Gatorade.
6. Start massive fire to burn all magazines that contain pictures of Dodge trucks.
7. Abolish toilet paper, instead clean ass with soap and water.
8. Re-introduce luxury pedal powered cars, as in the Flintstones.
9. Replace all flooring, wallpaper, windows and curtains in my house with solar panels.
10. Change maximum speed limit on highways to 12 mph, except for bicycles.
11. Open up chain of windmill themed hamburger joints.
12. Paint all road surfaces green, except in Arizona where they would be painted yellow.

My Dream Tickets

1. Cheney and Quayle: the VP ticket.
2. The Manning Quarterback brothers, but not the stockbroker brother.
3. Tiger Woods and LeBron, all sports pro tour.
4. Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, tabloid bunnies.
5. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton - the reverend ticket.
6. Superman and Wonderwoman - the dynamic duo.
7. DeNiro, Brando, and Paccino - the godfathers.
8. Mike Huccabee and Dennis Kuccinich - the alliteration.
9. Mayor Bloomberg and Mayor Juliani - da mayors.
10. Ralph Nader and Michael Moore - fix everything that is broke.

Other things you didn't know about Elliot Spitzer

1. Does not always put the toilet seat down after use.
2. Secretly dating senator Clinton, with hopes of winning his way into the white house.
3. Once threw recyclable plastic water bottle into regular trash.
4. Actually now running the Gotti crime family business.
5. Has already sold movie rights to his life story, with Al Paccino playing lead role.
6. Was voted biggest party head three years in a row at the playboy mansion.
7. Now we know why Batman is coming after him.
8. Probably a republican spy, because no democrat could ever be this evil.
9. Has sent a message to his home planet for them to come fetch him.
10. Never paid any taxes, sold weapon secrets to North Korea and once kissed a man.
11. Campaigned to have Christopher Walken play him in the made for TV movie.

physics humor

1. Oops, we forgot to let the grad student out of the lab again.
2. Darn, I put the denominator at the top again. Actual Einstein story.
3. Chuckle whenever the professor says Fraunhoffer or Brehmstrahlung.
4. My ex-girlfriend has a contour integral that was singular.
5. Tired of naming newly discovered particles with names like alpha and quark, so now resorting to popular numbers, like "4".
6. If you're lucky you can turn the Laplace Transform into a Green's function.
7. Joey, you forgot an extra minus sign, so the earth will not actually disintegrate in 100 seconds.
8. Last night I dated a woman who really knew her vector integration

Bad Vice Presidential Choices for McCain

1. Dan Qualye - still gaining acceptance, but the best life insurance policy money can buy.
2. Admiral Stockdale - didn't help Perot, especially when he dozed off in the debate.
3. Lloyd Bensten - definitely no Jack Kennedy, but probably died twenty years ago.
4. Dick Cheney - been there, done that.
5. Nick Nolte - he may be OK, as long as the secret service doesn't let him get behind the wheel.
6. Jessica Simpson - would be too distracting during presidential crises.
7. Donald Trump - is there a precedent for firing a president?
8. Gary Coleman - cuddly star of the hit seventies TV show Different Strokes, now incarcerated.
9. Roger Clemens - he'd do a good job of stocking up the white house pharmacy.

Novel experiments carried out on the space station

1. Seeing how well ants can sort screws in space (The Simpsons).
2. How long can goldfish survive out of water.
3. How well do plants grow on gatorade, or is coke better?
4. Does smoking in space cause cancer, sponsored by R.J. Reynolds.
5. Designing a splash and leak free urinal for zero G.
6. Is it easier to train dogs to learn to talk in space.
7. Building a better adult diaper based on extended spacesuit trials.
8. Are astronauts better poker players while floating upside down?
9. Stress testing a two hundred dollar government hammer.
10. Can crows fly backwards as well as upside down in space.
11. Are penguins any smarter in space, as tested by screw sorting time trials vs ants.

Proof that you are a tech nerd

1. Chuckle anytime someone says the word "slideware".
2. Can name all members of the intel family of processors going back to 1978.
3. Actually understand what it means and laughed at #2.
4. Enjoy spending saturday nights defragging a hard drive.
5. Understand what #4 means and know a better way to do it.
6. Think of Facebook as a collection of code rather than a way to connect with friends.
7. Set new office record at windows pinball game last week.
8. Know what all the flashing lights on the modem actually mean.
9. Can explain the difference between cotangents and cosecants.

Poorly attended classes at NYU last semester

1. Humorous moments of the Bush Dynasty.
2. Heating/Cooling design of NYC subway stations.
3. Rabbi Schwartzman's kosher cooking for the Christmas holidays.
4. City Wildlife 101: pidgeon and subway rat classifications.
5. Mayor Bloomberg presents the history of Spanish Opera.
6. Cab driving 201: how to avoid potholes and pedestrians at rush hour.
7. Fly Fishing in the East River.
8. Chemistry lab 301a: collecting and analyzing smell samples from the subway.
9. Early morning lap swimming in the East River. Prerequisite for #7.
10. Doormanning 120b: the art of the bow.

Bogus scientific experiments carried out by NASA

Not including experiments for the Space Shuttle which is a separate list.

1. Looking for Martians under the bridges in central park.
2. 24 hour monitoring of KXLA 103.5 for signals from alien civilizations.
3. See if gerbils can be trained to fly the space shuttle in case of emergencies.
4. Seeing if tomatoes can grow in total darkness and zero gravity.
5. The self-flushing no-spill sitting toilet in zero g's. Advanced research on wall mounted urinals also under way.
6. Can american cheese be made from a powder.
7. Electric powered environmentally friendly rocket ships, just plug in to charge.
8. see if robots can be made to fall in love. Ooops, that was original Star Trek episode's 17, 21 and 53.
9. Mission to the moon to figure out what kind of cheese it is made of? American perhaps?
10. Building a big gaint dish with hopes to collect hit Martian tv shows to help beef up the ABC monday night lineup.

Ways to make pro ice hockey more exciting

1. Has to be at least one girl player on the ice at all times.
2. instead of skates, refs have to wear sneakers. Should get lots of laughs as they slip and fall.
3. New rules on goaltender equipment: only allowed to use a ski mask, ski gloves and a thick wooden spoon.
4. Give free beer to all the fans, just like they do at baseball games.
5. Repace zamboni machine with golf cart that pulls along a large wet towel.
6. Use puck that explodes as speeds of over 100 miles per hour.
7. Players get extra points for dunking the puck over the top of the net after scoring.
8. Bring back Paul Newman in a TV series based on the funny hockey movie he made.
9. Allow a few former league superstars to place friendly wagers on the games.
10. Hire Roger Clemens to be strength coach for the New York Rangers.
11. Have half naked pre-football cheerleaders perform at center ice during intermission.
12. Zamboni monster truck racing!

Ways to make baseball more exciting

1. Give out free steroid kit for every thousandth fan on opening day.
2. Implement point system for beaning players and umpires.
3. Replace baseball with soccer ball to make the game more intersting for the British.
4. Elect Roger Clemens to be commissioner of baseball.
5. Allow first base coach to serve martinis when bases are empty.
6. All teams required to have at least one Canadian player on the field at all times. Ooops, sorry that is the rule in the Canadian AAA league.
7. Replace carbon fibre bats with glass.
8. Switch 1st and 3rd base and hide 2nd base somewhere in the outfield.
9. Have Paris Hilton throw out the first pitch, and let Jessica Simpson play catcher.
10. Move the Yankees to LA, send the Beckham's to NY.