1. Biodegradeable sewage bombs.
2. Light infantry pit bull division.
3. Goat powered de-forrester.
4. Self-cleaning microwave laser.
5. Recycled aluminum can tanks.
6. Nucular-hybrid engine powered aircraft cariers.
7. Solar powered smart bombs.
8. Mango mortor rockets.
9. Helium powered stealth bomber.
10. Killer bee squadron.
11. Atomic neutralizer ray - as seen on the Jetsons TV show.
12. Shatner - the negotiator, also including Picard.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Rejected names of new medications
1. Zumixray AMPM
2. Homybigpay
3. Ruokay
4. Ruhornie
5. Fluzyprima
6. Caviix
7. Gayax
8. Viargax
9. Zylavic - oh sorry that is the name of my Serbian cousin
10. Zuckit
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Violations of the locker room code *
1) Blow drying any parts of the body not directly attached to the head. ( Some people insist on blow drying their private areas - me, I walk around a little damp.
Violators are also seen shaving in front of the mirror but not a single hair on their faces. Maybe they wish there were. Maybe this explains the excessive blow drying? )
2) Excessive flatulating in the steam room is not permitted.
3) Pissing in the shower. ( Find a tree outside for goodness sakes. )
4) Singing in the showers ( even if you can belt em out like Elton John ).
5) Dripping puddles of water on the carpet. ( Didn't your mother show you how to use a towel properly. I assume that's shower water. )
6) Nose clearing jet spraying. ( At least use a tissue! )
7) Throat clearing, gargling, or spitting. ( See point #6 )
8) Stretching in the jacuzzi. ( Oval shaped people sitting in the Jacuzzi, and never being seen inside the gym area. )
9) Leaving "wet" towels on the benches in the sauna or changing area.
10) Bobbing to headphone music in the sauna. ( Not good for the ipod. )
11) Talking on a cell phone while in a toilet stall or peeing at the urinal.
* sorry, this list is no laughing matter, but I didn't know where else to post it.
Violators are also seen shaving in front of the mirror but not a single hair on their faces. Maybe they wish there were. Maybe this explains the excessive blow drying? )
2) Excessive flatulating in the steam room is not permitted.
3) Pissing in the shower. ( Find a tree outside for goodness sakes. )
4) Singing in the showers ( even if you can belt em out like Elton John ).
5) Dripping puddles of water on the carpet. ( Didn't your mother show you how to use a towel properly. I assume that's shower water. )
6) Nose clearing jet spraying. ( At least use a tissue! )
7) Throat clearing, gargling, or spitting. ( See point #6 )
8) Stretching in the jacuzzi. ( Oval shaped people sitting in the Jacuzzi, and never being seen inside the gym area. )
9) Leaving "wet" towels on the benches in the sauna or changing area.
10) Bobbing to headphone music in the sauna. ( Not good for the ipod. )
11) Talking on a cell phone while in a toilet stall or peeing at the urinal.
* sorry, this list is no laughing matter, but I didn't know where else to post it.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Good things if Ralph Nader were President
1. Mrs Nader to replace white house china with random assortment from the Salvation Army.
2. Air Force one replaced with hybrid Madden cruiser.
3. Secret service agents can go into early retirement, as Chuck Norris will assume role as sole bodyguard.
4. Increasing budget surplus from foreign heads of state having to pay for their own happy meals when they visit.
6. America no longer feared and revered in the rest of the world. Oh wait, that would be any different than now?
7. When president Nader travels abroad he collects all the little soaps to use back home in the executive washroom.
8. Michael Moore becomes best the vice president in US history, and has a giant hot dog statue erected next to the Jefferson memorial.
9. Congress and Senate sent home and told to "find a real job"!
10. All corporate lobbyists sent to jail, all prisoners set free.
11. Pentagon's invasion plans for Norway put on hold until the next non-Nader administration.
12. Pentagon turned in a giant themed park of some sort, roller derby perhaps?
13. Canadians agree to trade Manitoba for a years supply of American cheese.
14. Annual First family vs Kennedy thanksgiving family touch football scrimmage no longer end in brawls.
15. Dennis Kucccinich finally lands dream job of US ambassador to Mars.
2. Air Force one replaced with hybrid Madden cruiser.
3. Secret service agents can go into early retirement, as Chuck Norris will assume role as sole bodyguard.
4. Increasing budget surplus from foreign heads of state having to pay for their own happy meals when they visit.
6. America no longer feared and revered in the rest of the world. Oh wait, that would be any different than now?
7. When president Nader travels abroad he collects all the little soaps to use back home in the executive washroom.
8. Michael Moore becomes best the vice president in US history, and has a giant hot dog statue erected next to the Jefferson memorial.
9. Congress and Senate sent home and told to "find a real job"!
10. All corporate lobbyists sent to jail, all prisoners set free.
11. Pentagon's invasion plans for Norway put on hold until the next non-Nader administration.
12. Pentagon turned in a giant themed park of some sort, roller derby perhaps?
13. Canadians agree to trade Manitoba for a years supply of American cheese.
14. Annual First family vs Kennedy thanksgiving family touch football scrimmage no longer end in brawls.
15. Dennis Kucccinich finally lands dream job of US ambassador to Mars.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Unusual things about Washington, DC
1. Popular meeting area called "Foggy Bottom", yet no one knows why.
2. Donnie Rumsfeld once called in the secret service to nuke Maryland
3. Street grid designed for maximum confusion in case the Japanese invaded.
4. President actually never visited any of the Mall museums, but loves to go on the Carousel.
5. Cheney known for ordering two footlongs at Pennsylvania avenue subway
6. The Pentagon McDonald's now also serving freedom frites.
7. Once when Trump came to visit he was allowed to use the executive washroom.
8. Smithsonian's rare Moroccan cigar wrapper collection on display extended until May.
9. Annual Kennedy family football scrimmage on the mall required three calls the the emergency room for broken limbs.
10. Wolf Blitzer is actually a real person, and he lives upstairs in my house.
2. Donnie Rumsfeld once called in the secret service to nuke Maryland
3. Street grid designed for maximum confusion in case the Japanese invaded.
4. President actually never visited any of the Mall museums, but loves to go on the Carousel.
5. Cheney known for ordering two footlongs at Pennsylvania avenue subway
6. The Pentagon McDonald's now also serving freedom frites.
7. Once when Trump came to visit he was allowed to use the executive washroom.
8. Smithsonian's rare Moroccan cigar wrapper collection on display extended until May.
9. Annual Kennedy family football scrimmage on the mall required three calls the the emergency room for broken limbs.
10. Wolf Blitzer is actually a real person, and he lives upstairs in my house.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Cool things associated with Steroids
1. Can finally beat aunty midge at arm wrestling.
2. No need for drinking down those aweful tasting protein shakes five times a day.
3. If Hummer gets a flat, you can lift it up which aunty midge changes the tire.
4. Governor no longer calling you "girlie man" when he phones.
5. Previous home run distance record of one mile just a distant memory.
6. No need to worry about using birth control because equipment is retired.
7. Now in fits of rage I can rip apart my laptop one bit at a time.
8. Rite aid now offers chocolate easter egg and steroid bunny bucket.
2. No need for drinking down those aweful tasting protein shakes five times a day.
3. If Hummer gets a flat, you can lift it up which aunty midge changes the tire.
4. Governor no longer calling you "girlie man" when he phones.
5. Previous home run distance record of one mile just a distant memory.
6. No need to worry about using birth control because equipment is retired.
7. Now in fits of rage I can rip apart my laptop one bit at a time.
8. Rite aid now offers chocolate easter egg and steroid bunny bucket.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Proposed corporate motivational outings
1. Afternoon at uncle Jack's Firegun Range.
2. Raging Rapids Water Slide Park, batting cages, and road kill grill.
3. Front row Wrestlemania tickets!
4. Two for one drink specials at the pole dancer bar.
5. Cruising for chicks in East Oakland.
6. Gourmet dinner at the Mall food court.
7. Bowling.
8. Full contact paintball.
9. Pie tossing contest and egging the upper management fun foodfight.
10. Blindfolded bocci ball
11. Skydiving and bungee, assuming legal department aproves
12. Ok, we picked bowling, couldn't find anything better, and wouldn't need the legal departments approval.
2. Raging Rapids Water Slide Park, batting cages, and road kill grill.
3. Front row Wrestlemania tickets!
4. Two for one drink specials at the pole dancer bar.
5. Cruising for chicks in East Oakland.
6. Gourmet dinner at the Mall food court.
7. Bowling.
8. Full contact paintball.
9. Pie tossing contest and egging the upper management fun foodfight.
10. Blindfolded bocci ball
11. Skydiving and bungee, assuming legal department aproves
12. Ok, we picked bowling, couldn't find anything better, and wouldn't need the legal departments approval.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Advantages of a bear proof suit
1. Comes with a whole year's supply of honey from Walmart.
2. Get free seasons tickets to all college teams having a bear mascot.
3. In addition to protection from bears, also safe from marauding squirrels attacks.
4. Can also pour you a martini if you deposit 25c.
5. Only three fatalities are reported from persons who were attacked by bears while wearing such a suit last month.
6. Acceptable prom attire - Jefferson High School, East Orange, N.J.
7. Is also fireproof, except for the inner lining - which is highly flammable.
2. Get free seasons tickets to all college teams having a bear mascot.
3. In addition to protection from bears, also safe from marauding squirrels attacks.
4. Can also pour you a martini if you deposit 25c.
5. Only three fatalities are reported from persons who were attacked by bears while wearing such a suit last month.
6. Acceptable prom attire - Jefferson High School, East Orange, N.J.
7. Is also fireproof, except for the inner lining - which is highly flammable.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Changes if Microsoft ran the world
1. Starbucks forced to return to their home planet, as not room enough for two alien corporations.
2. Only nerds qualified to run for president.
3. Normal kindergarten curriculum replaced with programming in C.
4. Windows necessary for running your electric toothbrush.
5. "Your life" needs to be rebooted every two hours.
6. Microsoft defeats Google for the twelfth straight year in the world ultimate frisbee championship.
7. Big framed glasses and pocket protectors top fashion trend in Milan.
8. Bill Gates gets key to the executive washroom in the NBC studio.
9. Most frequent reason for car accidents - software crash.
10. They already do.
2. Only nerds qualified to run for president.
3. Normal kindergarten curriculum replaced with programming in C.
4. Windows necessary for running your electric toothbrush.
5. "Your life" needs to be rebooted every two hours.
6. Microsoft defeats Google for the twelfth straight year in the world ultimate frisbee championship.
7. Big framed glasses and pocket protectors top fashion trend in Milan.
8. Bill Gates gets key to the executive washroom in the NBC studio.
9. Most frequent reason for car accidents - software crash.
10. They already do.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Differences between Canadians and Americans
1. Shatner - most famous Canadian to move to the US. Michael Jackson still denied entry to Canada.
2. Canada has a queen, US has prince.
3. Canadian army once beaten up by the Norwegian Olympic Scrabble team. US just nuked Sweden.
4. Last time Canada threatened to invade another country - never. US, bombed up three countries last week.
5. Canadians willing to wait in long lines for good Texas beef jerky. American's love Saskatchwan maple flavored bacon.
6. Canadians top exports: water, lumber and funnymen, American: quality television and grenades.
7. 60% of Canadians can identify the United states on a world map. 70% of American's get lost on their way to Denny's
8. Canadian navy once got lost while training in the Toronto harbour. US army reserves invaded Nova Scotia for training exercise.
9. America's best invention: perfectly fake cheese, Canada's - a curved hockey stick.
10. US worst enemies: maniacal despots. Canada's - wild roaming cariboo herds.
11. Best looking Canadian - Pamela Anderson. Now dating average looking American David Hyde Pierce.
12. Canada's national animal - the beaver, Americas - cuddly Gary Coleman, star of the 80's TV show different strokes.
2. Canada has a queen, US has prince.
3. Canadian army once beaten up by the Norwegian Olympic Scrabble team. US just nuked Sweden.
4. Last time Canada threatened to invade another country - never. US, bombed up three countries last week.
5. Canadians willing to wait in long lines for good Texas beef jerky. American's love Saskatchwan maple flavored bacon.
6. Canadians top exports: water, lumber and funnymen, American: quality television and grenades.
7. 60% of Canadians can identify the United states on a world map. 70% of American's get lost on their way to Denny's
8. Canadian navy once got lost while training in the Toronto harbour. US army reserves invaded Nova Scotia for training exercise.
9. America's best invention: perfectly fake cheese, Canada's - a curved hockey stick.
10. US worst enemies: maniacal despots. Canada's - wild roaming cariboo herds.
11. Best looking Canadian - Pamela Anderson. Now dating average looking American David Hyde Pierce.
12. Canada's national animal - the beaver, Americas - cuddly Gary Coleman, star of the 80's TV show different strokes.
How Bush is preparing for the french presidents visit
1. Taking all white house cheese out of the fridge to let if breathe for a while.
2. Being coached on French langauge, and especially that half the letters are silent
3. First lady Laura baking cakes for the President's wife and his newest girlfriend.
4. Cheney pointing out where the petite little country is on a map of Europe.
5. Connie reminding him not to refer to him as El Presidente.
6. limiting his time on the white house playground to ten minutes.
7. listening to his dad's advice about about not invading France.
8. Installing fresh towels in the white house shower, just in case they are needed.
9. Remembering that the French saved our asses in a little war we had back then when Washington was president.
10. Practicing with the bidet shower.
11. Having tea with Gerard Depardui and other top French-American movie stars.
2. Being coached on French langauge, and especially that half the letters are silent
3. First lady Laura baking cakes for the President's wife and his newest girlfriend.
4. Cheney pointing out where the petite little country is on a map of Europe.
5. Connie reminding him not to refer to him as El Presidente.
6. limiting his time on the white house playground to ten minutes.
7. listening to his dad's advice about about not invading France.
8. Installing fresh towels in the white house shower, just in case they are needed.
9. Remembering that the French saved our asses in a little war we had back then when Washington was president.
10. Practicing with the bidet shower.
11. Having tea with Gerard Depardui and other top French-American movie stars.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Rejected Car Names
1) Dodge Hippo
2) Jaguar Cougar
3) Lincoln Log
4) Lamborghini Slug
5) Volkswagen Lady Bug
6) Toyota Pi Squared
7) Nissan 32000-7n.d87
8) Cadillac Shanty
9) Oldsmobile Oldtimer
10) Renault Roughrider
11) Cadillac Catatonic
12) Ford Fajita
13) Ford Fiasco
14) Toyota Teriyaki
2) Jaguar Cougar
3) Lincoln Log
4) Lamborghini Slug
5) Volkswagen Lady Bug
6) Toyota Pi Squared
7) Nissan 32000-7n.d87
8) Cadillac Shanty
9) Oldsmobile Oldtimer
10) Renault Roughrider
11) Cadillac Catatonic
12) Ford Fajita
13) Ford Fiasco
14) Toyota Teriyaki
Signs that maybe you have joined a bad gym
1) Members bring in their workout gear in wheeled luggage carts.
2) Heavily sweating member seen struggling to remove the lid of gatorade bottle.
3) Some members need assistance to be squished through the workout room door.
4) All the treadmills are empty - all the time.
5) Personal trainers kill time by watching the club TV.
6) Personal trainers could use a little training themselves.
7) Showers and urinals - one in the same.
8) You get a lot of smiles when you towel off in the shower room.
9) Security cameras installed in the locker room.
10) The speed punching bag gave you two black eyes last week.
2) Heavily sweating member seen struggling to remove the lid of gatorade bottle.
3) Some members need assistance to be squished through the workout room door.
4) All the treadmills are empty - all the time.
5) Personal trainers kill time by watching the club TV.
6) Personal trainers could use a little training themselves.
7) Showers and urinals - one in the same.
8) You get a lot of smiles when you towel off in the shower room.
9) Security cameras installed in the locker room.
10) The speed punching bag gave you two black eyes last week.
Home Page
If you're like me you get bored of something in about five seconds, so here we have short jokes that will getting you laughing in less than five seconds.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
