Best sleep jokes collected on the web

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra strong, sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to the boss. "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday & Tuesday?"

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

Dialog with the elevator man

Today he said "hey, you aren't from around here, you gonna stay?". I said yes, and then he asked where I was from. "California" I said. But he looked rather puzzled, and probably didn't believe me. Maybe he thought all Californians have dark tans or speak in strange accents like Arnold the governor. So anyway, he proceeded to guess further: "You Spanish?", I paused, then stumped he said "Polish, Jewish, German ... something like that right?".

So as we neared my floor I thought that I'd let him off easily and so I said, "No, I am from Canada". Now hearing this he perked up, and said "parl Francais", I nodded and
exited on my floor.

Good Things About Valentine's Day

1. McDonald's including ice cream flavored condom in all happy meals
2. Philips releases all new laser eyebrow and pubic hair trimmer formerly used in the space program
3. Area man gets to increase his frequency of sex with his girl friend from 0.75 to 0.83 times per week.
4. Costco running a special sale on the 10,000 pack magnum condoms.
5. Match.com offering a free day with annual subscription
6. Walgreens special promotion: V-day pack including massage oil, viagra and rogaine.
7. Uncle Joe's crab shack installing mood lighting for valentines day brunch
8. Local Hooters waitresses giving out cool mints to well behaved patrons
9. Dick Clark still dropping "the ball" in Times Square
10. Even considering the tough economy, the cities professional gigalo's usually get extra tips.